I Have Joined The #SportsBraSquad

Today I finally mustered up the courage and joined the #SportsBraSquad!

What's the #SportsBraSquad I hear you ask? It's an amazing social media movement started by Kelly Roberts over at Run, Selfie, Repeat (see her article here) and is centred around female runners who are being brave, embracing their perceived flaws and whipping off their running tops to run in just their sports bra/crop top.

Kelly Roberts - my runspiration (@kellykkroberts)

I've been wanting to do this for a few weeks now but I just didn't have to guts to do it. When I first came across this I was so impressed and in awe of the bravery I was witnessing but that little voice in my head said "you'll never do it, you haven't got the guts to join them plus you'll look awful so just keep that top on young lady!" I let this voice take over (again!) and I was convinced that it was right.

Now to those confident people out there this probably seems like a ridiculous movement and even more ridiculous that we haven't just whipped our tops off before now. Bless you, you are so lucky that you have no idea what we go through every day. Unfortunately there are a hell of a lot of women out there that do not feel like you and have a list of their 'flaws' that feels suffocating (me included!). So this #SportsBraSquad movement is needed and if it helps women like myself to pluck up the courage and do something brave then it's a winner in my book.

Yeah we can!

Running in a sports bra wasn't my only challenge this year. I have always worn 3/4 length running tights even in the summer and this year was no exception. I trained for my marathon in sunny-ish March and then did my marathon on a sunny April day and ended up with the most ridiculous tan lines ever. I had very tanned lower legs (from just below the knee) and white knees and upper legs - it was like someone had drawn a line around my leg and coloured in the bottom part. It looked like I was permanently wearing knee high tights! 

The very essence of sexy!

I had a wedding to go to in May and the summer coming so I knew I wanted to wear dresses and skirts but there was no way I could do that with these hum-dingers. Luckily I had a couple of weekends of sunshine to sunbath in and I bought some shorts to run in. The tanning sessions and some application of factor 50 lotion on just my tanned lower legs (I used factor 20 on the rest of me) evened out my tan. I had also carefully planned my runs so that there was no sunshine and no need to wear the shorts as I didn't want to get my upper legs out in public for fearing of much pointing and laughing from strangers.

We've had a lovely summer so the need to wear the shorts was forced upon me as there was no way in hell I was getting those tan lines back. It took me 4 long runs in the shorts to stop feeling self-conscious and eventually I stopped thinking twice before putting them on. This was when I knew I had to conquer the #SportsBraSquad challenge as well.

I planned today's 11 miler to start and end in Roath Park, the route would take me to Cardiff Bay Barrage and back. I knew the weather wasn't going to be great so there would be less people around. I started out with my running top firmly on and with the intention of taking it off for a little while mid run but I honestly thought that I was going to bottle it. I kept thinking about Kelly and all the other ladies who had been brave enough to join the #SportsBraSquad and I really wanted to be one of them. By mile 5 I had convinced myself that I was going to do it... soon.

After I crossed the Barrage I stopped and whipped off my running top. I stood there stunned at my bravery and a little unsure about what to do next. I took a quick selfie, like you do, and knew I had two options. Put the top back on or just run. As soon as I started running I knew I'd done the right thing. I couldn't believe that I had actually done it and I was running in just my sports bra and shorts. I had about 2 miles until I would start to see more people so just thought I'd put it back on before that and at least I'd done it for a couple of miles. But no, I ran the rest of my run in my sports bra and shorts! I ran through Cardiff Bay and into Cardiff centre where there were real people with eyes and everything!!

Eeeeeeeeek!

And do you know what, I didn't give a shit what anyone thought or even what I thought they might think. I just kept telling myself how proud I was of everything I'd achieved over the last 2 & 1/2 years and especially of the massive leap I'd made today towards body confidence. I actually enjoyed it and laughed at myself for making it into such a big deal. It's insane how you can allow yourself to be controlled by your perceived flaws to the point that I'd rather struggle in the heat with too many layers on just because I was worried about what people might think.

So if you see a woman out there running in her sports bra then give her a smile or a thumbs up to acknowledge what she's doing, you have no idea what's going on inside her head and what her story is. That might be the little confidence boost that she needs to do it again and again and again.

Body Image Breakthrough... Well A Step In The Right Direction At Least!

Anyone that really knows me will know that I struggle with my body image. Over the last couple of years I've worked on increasing my fitness and self-esteem which has helped with my body image issues but I seem to have hit a wall that I need to get passed so I can continue onto the next part of my journey.

This all started at a young age so I have approximately 30 years of damage to un-do somehow. I grew up around women who were constantly on one diet or another, who were never happy with their own body or weight so it's no surprise that I grew up with an unhealthy outlook on body image.

My weight went up and down by approximately 3 stone on a regular basis between the ages of 15 - 27. I would lose weight then think I could go back to eating 'normally' so the weight would just pile back on and I'd beat myself up for it. I would lose weight again and think I could eat 'normally' again and I'd beat myself up for putting the weight back on again. Lose weight... eat... beat self up... repeat.

Finally at 27 years old I realised that something had to change if I wanted to keep the weight off. I still didn't have the 'perfect' body and I wasn't happy in my own skin as my yo-yo dieting had left it's mark (stretch marks, un-toned areas and cellulite). I decided to count calories in order to maintain my weight but all this did was make me miserable and hungry. When I was overweight I always assumed that being slim would automatically mean that I would be happy. Oh how wrong I was and I ended up going into an 8 years unhealthy relationship which killed my self-esteem, made me feel totally inadequate and not worthy of real love. That's why it took me so long to realise I was worth more than that and to finally get out of the relationship.

A few months after I left my ex-husband I decided to start running, I wanted to find a way to eat what I wanted without putting the weight back on and to get a bit fitter in the process. This helped but I was still a slave to the weighing scales and every time I put on a lb I would beat myself up until I lost it again.

Last summer I decided to put the scales away and I haven't weighed myself since, this was actually pretty liberating but hasn't stopped the way I see my body. Although I eat healthily most of the time and am fitter than I've ever been in my life, I still have a negative body image. Even after I ran a marathon I still have the same thoughts and feelings about my body. My body got me through 26.2 miles but I still don't love it. This is when I realised that I have to re-train my brain, I have to re-programme myself, I have to learn to love myself unconditionally otherwise I'll continue on this cycle of self-criticism and self-judgement forever.

A few days ago I started reading a blog about how to go about this change and the writer said to focus on the things you like about your body instead of the things you don't. Obviously I scoffed at this because it seemed so simple and 'fluffy' but her words stuck in my head. Today I decided to write a list of the things I don't like about my body and another list of the things I do like about my body. 

I fully expected for the first list to be much longer than the second so was gobsmacked to realise that I'd listed 9 things I don't like and 18 things I do like. I like double the amount of things about my body than I don't so why do I dislike my body still? This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm still trying to process it now.

I've also written a list of the things I could do to improve the things on my "don't like" list and hopefully transfer them over to the "like" list one day, or at least become indifferent to them. I know some damage isn't repairable and I have to find a way to get past it. I'm a work in progress.

I haven't written this blog post because I'm looking for compliments or to be told that I'm fine just the way I am, far from it - although I always smile and say thank you, those comments tend to go in one ear and out the other as I find it hard to make them stick when I don't see it for myself. Writing this blog over the last 1 & 1/2 years has been therapeutic so I'm writing this post for me. Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head so that I can organise my thoughts and start to address them. This post has been a long time coming and I've always shied away from writing it as it was easier than facing this issue once and for all.

I'm also writing this for all the other people out there who are going through a similar thing, they need to know that they're not alone. I hope it helps for them to know that someone else gets what they're going through.