Long Run Hell

On Saturday I did my first ever 20 mile run and it was horrendous. It seriously knocked my confidence to the point that I nearly pulled out of doing the Manchester marathon.

I started the morning with my usual light breakfast of a toasted wholemeal muffin with butter and Marmite followed by a banana a couple of hours before my run then I planned my 20 mile route. I knew it would be a tough run so thought I'd try to remember to take a photo at every mile as a way to tick them off and distract myself. I decided to start and finish at Roath Park so drove there and parked my car.

I'll never get tired of this place

The first mile was pretty good, my music was pumping and I was full of energy.

A tree at the end of mile 1

The 'take a photo at the end of every mile' thing didn't last long. Soon I was at Cardiff Bay and mile 5.

The start and finish of my first race as a Peg nearly a year ago

It was a bit of a gloomy day but Cardiff Barrage was still a gorgeous place to run.

(water) Taxi!!

Spring time in Cardiff is made even more beautiful by the daffodils that pop up all over the place.

Running through Cardiff on a Wales rugby match day is a great experience, everyone was so happy and I even got a few cheers to spur me on.

My future husband

Wish I'd been there to watch the match

During miles 12 - 14 my run started to get harder, uncomfortable and I was really struggling. By mile 15 I was sat on a bench sobbing. My whole body ached and I was questioning what I was doing. Why was I putting myself through this? Why did I think I could run a marathon? I cried and cried. I scrolled through my phone trying to decide who to call to come and take me home. I cried some more. I cried until I couldn't breathe.

This year has been the hardest of my life. A big part of me thinks I shouldn't have carried on training for a marathon, I should've made the decision to postpone it until I was ready. Losing my Dad knocked the wind out of me and I spend most of my time feeling sad and exhausted. Running was what I always turn to when life gets a bit tough but the last few weeks have been hell and training for a marathon has sucked the fun out of running for me.

The other part of me knows that Dad would want me to do it and to keep training. He sponsored me so I want to do it. I also want to do it for me, it was always going to feel like an amazing achievement to complete a marathon but to do it after what I've been through will make it so much more special.

I stopped crying and decided to carry on. I'd already run 15 miles so 5 more was do-able, I just had to try.

Mile 15

The last 5 miles are a bit of a blur. All I remember is getting back to Roath Park and having 1/2 a mile to go. I ran lamp post to lamp post, I kept my head down and I just slogged it out. Finally my Garmin beeped that I had reach mile 20. I had done it. I had run 20 miles in under 4 hours... just. I got in my car and I cried. I was relieved and I was sad. 

20 miles in 3:59:55!

I drove home, had a bath and some food then flaked out on the sofa. I was still feeling numb, sore and emotionally drained. I knew I was going to keep marathon training but the thought filled me with dread, it still does. I want to do it but I also want it over and done with.

I know that when my last long run is done on Friday and I start tapering then all this will be nearly forgotten and I'll start to get excited about the marathon again. I need to keep in mind the other reason why I'm doing this and that is to raise some money for all those poor dogs without their forever homes. I can't adopt them all so I want to raise as much as possible to help the amazing people at Friends of the Dogs Wales look after them.

My running vest for the big day!

So now I have to mentally prepare for my next and final 20 mile run otherwise it will be just as bad as this one was. I think the fact that it's my last long run before tapering and carb loading will help. I am so looking forward to the carb loading!!

Dear Dad...

Dear Dad

Today we had your funeral and it was full of laughter. Loads of friends from over the years came to say goodbye to you and share their stories. Malcolm spoke and told us all about the jokes you played on each other at work and how much everyone enjoyed working with you. I wrote this eulogy and somehow found the courage to stand up and read it out.

The words that pop into my head when I think about my dad are loving, kind, mischievous and hard working.

I always knew he loved me, my brother and mum – I never doubted it. He would do anything for us.

Dad was a wind-up merchant and loved the attention it brought him, good or bad. One day, before Paul and I were on the scene, he wound mum up so much that she threw a saucepan of scrambled eggs at him. Back then they had a tiny kitchen yet she still managed to miss him. He found it hilarious.

When I was 7 I put his loving, caring side to the test when I came home from school with nits. Mum was in hospital at the time so Dad had to deal with it. I think the bit he liked the most though was when I proudly told everyone on the bus that I’d had nits. He was clearly happy about this and not at all mortified.

Dad used to love building Hornby train sets and Paul and I used to love to play with them. Well, we used to love to try and make them crash. Dad wasn’t too keen on this though. One day he sold his trains when he decided to buy a computer, everything went. About 8 years ago I was Christmas shopping in Cardiff and came across an Orient Express train box set and knew I had to buy it for him. On Christmas Day he opened it and I was choked up about how happy he was, he loved it. Mum not so much... if looks could kill. Instead of converting the loft again Dad decided to buy a shed for the back garden and created his train heaven in there complete with a wood burner and coffee pot.

When I was 17 and learning to drive, Dad would take me out in my car. We’d get in and he’d say drive wherever you want, just try not to speed. Once when I went to work with him, he let me drive mum's car. There was a long private road and he told me to floor it to see what it felt like then quickly added "just don't tell your mum!"

He taught me how to look after my car and how to do a bit of DIY – I’m rubbish at both but I give it a go. In the last few years he also gave me cake baking tips and he made the best Victoria sponge I've ever tasted.

He adored my dog Winston, they were like the dynamic duo – not Batman and Robin, more like Del-Boy and Rodney. Dad would sneak him bits of food when he thought I wasn’t looking and Winston was as subtle as a brick about it. When we started sorting out dad’s things, mum went through his wallet and found 3 photos. I’m sure you’re expecting me to say there was one of mum, one of Paul and one of me but no, there were 3 photos of Winston... just Winston.

Mum and Dad were together for nearly 50 years and she visited him every day in hospital. A couple of days before the end, we arrived to visit him and mum walked into the room first. Dad looked at her then grabbed her hand and said “I do really love you Chris”. He said it with such urgency, like it was the most important thing in the world and it brought us all to tears.

Dad spent his last day in bed snoring his head off which summed him up perfectly. I’m sure if he could, he would’ve told us his usual line of “I wasn’t asleep, I was just resting my eyes”.

Today was exactly what you would've wanted and you'd be so proud of us. We shed some tears but mostly we laughed. And yes we did as we were told so your final song was Another One Bites the Dust by Queen. 

I will miss you every day of my life, some days more than others but I know I'll be ok. Thank you for being such an amazing dad and always having my back. Loves you xx

Why I Run

I read a few running blogs and it got me thinking about why I run. Initially I started running to control my weight and I assumed it would just be another form of exercise that I tried and hated but I fell in love with it so now I run because I can and because I want to. Oh and so that I can eat whatever I want and not feel consumed in guilt.

Spaghetti and syrup and candy, oh my!

Running is also my therapy, when life gets me down I put on my runners, grab my ipod and head out of the door. I was injured (tendinitis and plantar fasciitis) over Christmas and New Year so couldn't run and thought I was going insane. Luckily I have an awesome physio who has got me back out there again.

Running with a touch of freestyle dancing thrown in

I run to feel good about myself, to become stronger and more confident. It helps me kick my low self-esteem up the butt and reminds me how amazing I am.

WW has totally nailed the Power Pose

It challenges me to push myself and achieve things I never thought were possible.

Through running, I've met some great people and become part of a new family.

My Pegs

I still run for all those reasons but now I have a new one to add to the list. I now also run to help me deal with my grief over losing my Dad.

He died last weekend and I feel as though my world has ended. The day after he died, I got up and went out for a run. I ran and I cried for 9.5 miles. There were times during that run when I just wanted to give up and go home so I could crawl into bed and not come out again but I kept going. I kept reminding myself that he wouldn't want me to give up.

I feel that it's even more important to train for my marathon now, he'd sponsored me to do it so would want me to keep going and would be so mad at me if I didn't.

So the Manchester marathon, my first ever marathon, is for you Dad. I love you and miss you every day xx