It's Sara not Sarah!

A funny thought came to me this morning, all of my life people have said (and written) my name wrong. I have been called Sarah, Zara and Sahara more times than I can remember but the funny thing is that I don't like to correct people. I actually feel embarrassed about doing it, I feel as though I'm being rude!

How hard is that??!!

When I was at school if an adult or teacher said my name wrong, my class mates usually sang out "it's Sara not Sarah!" so I didn't have to correct people myself. 

Damn Right!

I know it sounds crazy, why wouldn't I correct people for saying my name wrong? I'm guessing it's another symptom of low self-esteem. I especially hate doing it when I've already corrected someone once and then they say it wrong again. I feel as though I've corrected them once and if they can't be bothered to get it right then they clearly don't care enough... I know, stupid right!

On the other hand, there are people I don't like who get my name wrong and I don't even think about correcting them as I don't care if they know it or not. Then there are the people who ask "what's the difference?" Doh!

Even Coca-Cola knows there's a difference...

Bus stop by my house... I'm bus stop famous!

I don't even drink Coke!

This is just another example of how low self-esteem affects my life and another thing I need to add to the 'push outside my comfort zone' list.

#PushingBackHarder

Run Run Run!

Last month I signed up for next years Cardiff Half Marathon. I just decided that I wanted to do it so registered, paid my £££ and now there's no backing out.  On 4th October 2015 I shall be running 13.1 miles and trying to raise a good bit of money for a dog charity.

This looks like fun! *gulps*

October is a long way off so in the meantime I am doing the Santa Dash on 7th December with my Besty. It's a 5k run/walk and you dress up as Santa or something Christmassy... I can't wait!!

I'd definitely sit on his knee!

Then on 31st May 2015 I am doing the Women's Running 10K Series 2015 in Bute Park, Cardiff.

Ooooooo shiny!

I am hoping to do some more races in between so will update the list on the right hand side of the blog as and when I sign up!

#PushingBackHarder

My Low Self-Esteem & How I'm Learning To Fight It

Sorry in advance for this blog being a bit wordy!

For a few weeks now I have been in contact with a counsellor who is helping me get to the root cause of my low self-esteem and lack of self-worth.

It all seems to have started in primary school when I realised that I was one of the few overweight kids.  I must've been about 10 years old when I noticed that I couldn't fit into the same clothes as my friends. I was tall for my age and quite a few pounds too heavy so was in adult sized clothes before I should've been. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't obese and never have been but my weight was noticeably higher.

When I left the safety of my primary school and moved onto high school (secondary school as we called it) I was bullied by the 'cool kids' in my year. I was heartbroken. I so desperately wanted to be accepted by them but all they did was make me feel worthless due to my height and weight.

A few years later, when I was about 15, I lost a lot of the weight but the bullying didn't stop. Instead it shifted onto other things like my hair, my clothes or anything else they could think of really and that caused me a lot of confusion. I had lost weight and my peers had grown so why were they still picking on me?! I felt as though I must've been a bad person or not worthy of their kindness. To this day I don't understand it and I will never know so just need to accept that they had their reasons and they were probably nothing to do with me.

A big regret for me is that I was so focused on the bullies and wanting their approval that I didn't appreciate the good friends I had around me. I wish I could tell them how their support got me through each day and how relieved I am that the bullies didn't put them through the same thing - unfortunately we lost contact pretty much as soon as we left high school. I think I thought that if I broke all ties with my past then the effects of the bullying would be broken too. I was so wrong!

My weight fluctuated by about 3 stone throughout my teens and into my late 20s. It was only then that I realised I had to change my relationship with food otherwise I was never going to keep the weight off. I have kept the weight off for 10 years now and am probably in the best shape of my life (so far!) but still my self-esteem takes a nose dive very easily and I struggle to get it back. It's never been high and I've never felt confident about myself or accepted myself for who I am.

One of the first exercises my counsellor asked me to do was to write a letter to my 12 year old self telling her/me about the things I've learnt over the years that could have made a difference if I'd known them at that age. I put off doing it with lame excuses until I had to get it done or face having to admit to my counsellor that I hadn't done it!

So the day before my counselling session I sat down with a cup of tea and my notebook. I wrote about 6 pages of A5, I just scribbled anything that came into my head and when I finished I re-read it. I couldn't believe how sad it made me feel that I didn’t have someone who knew this stuff around to guide me and maybe set me on a different path.

One thing this exercise has made me realise is that I’d like to work with young girls who struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, maybe as a mentor or something to help them through a vital stage of their life. I have no idea how to go about this but realising that I want to do it is a start.

I have also thought about becoming a counsellor. I obviously have to sort my own issues out first but at least it’s something to work towards. One thing these self-esteem gurus all say is that you need to feel connected to the world, feel like you make a difference whether it’s through the type of job you do, voluntary work or some other way. Apparently just knowing that what you are doing is making someone else’s life easier/better is a great self-worth booster.

My counsellor also recommended a book to me called Person-Centred Counselling in Action by Dave Mearns and Brian Thorne as there is a chapter about the counsellors use of self (self-acceptance). In that chapter it recommends that you ask yourself these 3 questions to check how you’re doing with self-love and self-acceptance on a regular basis:

1. What gives me most joy these days?
2. When do I experience the most anxiety?
3. What am I missing most?

I grabbed my notebook and scribbled down some answers before I had time to think too much about the answers (I have a habit of over thinking everything!). I found it helpful to focus the craziness in my head and to prioritise what I want/need to do in my life to feel balanced again. I'm going to do the exercise on a regular basis to keep a check on my progress and to make sure I'm on the right path to happiness.

As well as speaking to my counsellor, I have also taken up running to help improve my confidence and self-esteem. I find running helps relieve stress as well as releasing those awesome endorphins aka the happy hormones. I'm trying to eat healthier as well, don't get me wrong I still indulge in lovely naughty food but am trying to keep it under control. Running is changing the shape of my body and toning me up which is helping me to like my physical appearance for the first time in my life.

I'm still very early in the recovery of my self-esteem but I see a light ahead of me now and know I'm on the right road. It's going to take a lot of hard work and it will be very challenging to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone but it has to be done!

#PushingBackHarder

Why I Started Running

I decided to start running as I wanted to do some form of exercise that I could do without having to be restricted to a specific class or go to the gym. I was also broke so needed something free.

My first run was hard but awesome at the same time. The only problem was that I had a lot of pain in my knees and a friend said it was probably because I was wearing trainers that were over 10 years old and well worn. I needed new running shoes so I went to Moti in Cardiff to be fitted properly using their gait analysis system thingy. This involved trying on running shoes and running on their treadmill while they filmed my legs to make sure the shoes supported me correctly.  

I don't spend this much time trying on heels!

After trying on 1 or 2 pairs, these bad boys were the winners!

Apparently I have skinny feet!

I started using a fantastic app called Couch to 5K on my iPhone. It gets you from walking to running 5K within 8 weeks and I never thought I would achieve it. I assumed it would be another thing that I started and gave up because it was too hard or didn't make me happy. I've been running for about 3-4 months now and really enjoy it!

I wish I looked this good running!

It was summer time when I started running so getting up and going for a run before work at 6am was a pleasure but now it's dark and mostly wet as I live in Wales. I kept making excuses to miss it and in the end I have done something that I said I would never do again... I have joined a gym. Well at £17.95pm with no contract and no joining fee, I couldn't really say no.

Go #TeamDW

I'm actually really enjoying my treadmill sessions! I know! I think I must be going crazy. As a new member I get a free session with a personal trainer and have been contacted by one offering to set up a date to do it. So far I haven't replied. I'm pretty sure it's all linked to the lack of self-esteem but I keep avoiding replying to him. "I'll do it tomorrow" is what I keep telling myself.

I know the PT session would be really beneficial. I will be able to pick his brain on how to train for races and what strength workouts I need to focus on etc but something in my head is stopping me.  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow...

#PushingBackHarder

Holiday Cottage Heaven

Right now I am sat on the sofa in a holiday cottage in the Brecon Beacons and feel so peaceful. I am surrounded by countryside and mountains. My dog is asleep on his bed in front of the wood burner and snoring gently. It's raining outside and pretty windy but I don't care, in fact I'm loving it.

Zzzzzzz

I am in heaven but I also feel as though I could cry at the thought of having to leave here tomorrow morning. I have been here 3 nights and have loved every second of them. I feel sad that I'm going back to reality tomorrow and back to all the life issues I am trying to deal with.

*ping*

I have just created a new life goal! One day I will own a small cottage like this one with its wood floors, high ceilings, beams, wood burner and enclosed garden. I want to live in a rural location but not too rural. I want to be close enough to a village or small town so that I can get back into civilisation when I want to but also just far enough away so that I enjoy the peace and quiet. I will live near mountains and woods so that my dog and I can spend each day exploring. Heaven!

#PushingBackHarder

Well hello there!

I decided to start a blog to share my struggles and triumphs in life. I have low self-esteem and this plays a massive role in every part of my life, from figuring out what to wear in the morning to deciding where to live and whether to change my career or not. Sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I want to just run away. I'm hoping that this blog will be therapeutic and maybe even a bit entertaining.

So here's a little bit about me, I won't bore you with too much info.

I'm mid-late 30s (clinging onto that 'mid' bit for dear life!), divorced and I have a dog called Winston who is my everything.

Find him on Twitter @winstonswoofs - he's very funny!

I love to run, hike and do yoga - I have only been doing properly these for about 3 months, the other times I just kinda dabbled.  So far I'm still in the 'but it hurts' phase of running due to injury, a cold and rock bottom confidence.

I also like baking cakes... and eating cakes... hence the running!

I was overweight and bullied at school, my late teens and most of my 20s were spent yo-yo dieting and feeling like a failure and I've never really accepted or loved myself.  My self-esteem is at about 25% right now but I am very good at hiding it so people think I'm a

confident person.

I am finally at the weight I've always wanted to be but it hasn't made me happy like I thought it would. I'm very good at thinking 'when I've done..., then I'll be happy' but life isn't like that. The running is helping to tone me up a bit but as we all know, once the skin is stretched it's very hard to fix it so that kicks my self-esteem in the nuts every time I allow myself to dwell on it.

My goal is to believe this about myself:

My Besty is my inspiration and also my biggest cheerleader, for some reason she thinks I'm already awesome... you know who you are chick-a-dee!

Right now I'm in a holiday cottage in the Brecon Beacons with nobody except my dog.
This is my first every holiday on my own without another person to keep me company, entertain me or do the things that I'm too scared to do.  I am doing it all by myself and feeling a little bit proud.

#PushingBackHarder

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