A Full 360 - Career, Life and Love

Yesterday I had my last counselling session and it feels like I've come full circle. When I started back in October I was amazingly low and couldn't figure out what my life was all about, some mornings I couldn't even decide what clothes to put on. I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career, what I enjoyed doing in my spare time, who I wanted to date or if I even liked the person I was.

It's taken about 2 months, a lot of low points, a lot of heartache but I'm coming out of the other end and I feel stronger, empowered and in control of my own happiness again.

I'm learning to!

I've thought a lot about the type of career I want and I know it's not the one I'm doing right now. I want something that makes me feel as though I'm giving back to my community, the type of job that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning and skip my way to work. I've realised that I'll have to retrain so the job I have right now is exactly what I need to help me fulfil my ambitions.

Yay it's Monday! Hmmm that might be overdoing it a bit.

Money is another issue for me, I always thought I needed more and more of it so that I can buy more and more things that I 'needed'. Well it turns out that I had that pretty wrong too. I want enough money to pay my rent, bills and keep myself and my dog fed but I no longer feel the need to have a big pot of gold and a load of crap to make me happy. Obviously if I had a lottery win then I'd graciously accept my winnings... I'm not crazy!

Might need to actually buy a lottery ticket

I've started a few new hobbies too which have given me a reason to enjoy exercising again, they also help to relieve day to day stresses and get me out of the house and interacting with people. I've discovered that I love running, yoga and indoor climbing... yes you read it right, I said I love running! Yoga gives me that warm glowy feeling with a touch of added flexibility and indoor climbing gives me a physical and mental challenge and a way to face my fears.

Apparently...

The next big thing is love. Good old love. I grew up being told to marry a man who had a good job, someone who could 'keep' me and for a long, long time I thought that was what I wanted and needed. Lately I've realised that I've got a good job, a lovely (rented) house, a new-ish car and an amazing dog - I already have everything that I could want or need so why would I look for a man to provide those things for me?!

I want a man who is kind, respectful and knows how to show me the love I deserve. I want to feel that Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud was written by him for me. I want him to have a job that he loves and makes him happy regardless of how much he earns a year, together as partners we'll earn enough to live on. Now don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy with being swept off my feet but in a fun way and not in a 'look after me' way. I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve so I'll just keep having fun dating until it happens.

Especially when it's dessert!

I am finally learning who I am, what I want from life and who I want to share the journey with me. I never knew what 'happy' looked like but now I can see that happiness and contentment is within my reach. As long as I am true to myself then I don't need to worry about outside influences bringing me back down. I am all that I need.

Damn right!

  

Now where did I put my cape?

#PushingBackHarder

Run Run Run!

Last month I signed up for next years Cardiff Half Marathon. I just decided that I wanted to do it so registered, paid my £££ and now there's no backing out.  On 4th October 2015 I shall be running 13.1 miles and trying to raise a good bit of money for a dog charity.

This looks like fun! *gulps*

October is a long way off so in the meantime I am doing the Santa Dash on 7th December with my Besty. It's a 5k run/walk and you dress up as Santa or something Christmassy... I can't wait!!

I'd definitely sit on his knee!

Then on 31st May 2015 I am doing the Women's Running 10K Series 2015 in Bute Park, Cardiff.

Ooooooo shiny!

I am hoping to do some more races in between so will update the list on the right hand side of the blog as and when I sign up!

#PushingBackHarder

Why I Started Running

I decided to start running as I wanted to do some form of exercise that I could do without having to be restricted to a specific class or go to the gym. I was also broke so needed something free.

My first run was hard but awesome at the same time. The only problem was that I had a lot of pain in my knees and a friend said it was probably because I was wearing trainers that were over 10 years old and well worn. I needed new running shoes so I went to Moti in Cardiff to be fitted properly using their gait analysis system thingy. This involved trying on running shoes and running on their treadmill while they filmed my legs to make sure the shoes supported me correctly.  

I don't spend this much time trying on heels!

After trying on 1 or 2 pairs, these bad boys were the winners!

Apparently I have skinny feet!

I started using a fantastic app called Couch to 5K on my iPhone. It gets you from walking to running 5K within 8 weeks and I never thought I would achieve it. I assumed it would be another thing that I started and gave up because it was too hard or didn't make me happy. I've been running for about 3-4 months now and really enjoy it!

I wish I looked this good running!

It was summer time when I started running so getting up and going for a run before work at 6am was a pleasure but now it's dark and mostly wet as I live in Wales. I kept making excuses to miss it and in the end I have done something that I said I would never do again... I have joined a gym. Well at £17.95pm with no contract and no joining fee, I couldn't really say no.

Go #TeamDW

I'm actually really enjoying my treadmill sessions! I know! I think I must be going crazy. As a new member I get a free session with a personal trainer and have been contacted by one offering to set up a date to do it. So far I haven't replied. I'm pretty sure it's all linked to the lack of self-esteem but I keep avoiding replying to him. "I'll do it tomorrow" is what I keep telling myself.

I know the PT session would be really beneficial. I will be able to pick his brain on how to train for races and what strength workouts I need to focus on etc but something in my head is stopping me.  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow...

#PushingBackHarder

Well hello there!

I decided to start a blog to share my struggles and triumphs in life. I have low self-esteem and this plays a massive role in every part of my life, from figuring out what to wear in the morning to deciding where to live and whether to change my career or not. Sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I want to just run away. I'm hoping that this blog will be therapeutic and maybe even a bit entertaining.

So here's a little bit about me, I won't bore you with too much info.

I'm mid-late 30s (clinging onto that 'mid' bit for dear life!), divorced and I have a dog called Winston who is my everything.

Find him on Twitter @winstonswoofs - he's very funny!

I love to run, hike and do yoga - I have only been doing properly these for about 3 months, the other times I just kinda dabbled.  So far I'm still in the 'but it hurts' phase of running due to injury, a cold and rock bottom confidence.

I also like baking cakes... and eating cakes... hence the running!

I was overweight and bullied at school, my late teens and most of my 20s were spent yo-yo dieting and feeling like a failure and I've never really accepted or loved myself.  My self-esteem is at about 25% right now but I am very good at hiding it so people think I'm a

confident person.

I am finally at the weight I've always wanted to be but it hasn't made me happy like I thought it would. I'm very good at thinking 'when I've done..., then I'll be happy' but life isn't like that. The running is helping to tone me up a bit but as we all know, once the skin is stretched it's very hard to fix it so that kicks my self-esteem in the nuts every time I allow myself to dwell on it.

My goal is to believe this about myself:

My Besty is my inspiration and also my biggest cheerleader, for some reason she thinks I'm already awesome... you know who you are chick-a-dee!

Right now I'm in a holiday cottage in the Brecon Beacons with nobody except my dog.
This is my first every holiday on my own without another person to keep me company, entertain me or do the things that I'm too scared to do.  I am doing it all by myself and feeling a little bit proud.

#PushingBackHarder

Follow my blog with Bloglovin