13.1 miles is a long time to think about stuff!

Last Saturday I completed my first ever 13.1 mile run. It wasn’t an organised race but a training run with just me, my iPod, some gel packs and my runners.

According to my training plan I was only supposed to do 12 miles but I thought an extra 1.1 miles wouldn’t kill me and if I actually completed it then I’d have run a half marathon 6 weeks before my actual half marathon! Oh, did I mention I'm running the Cardiff Half Marathon?

I didn't think I had

I set off at about 9.30am and didn’t mind if it took me 3 hours to do it. I did tell my boyfriend my route so if I wasn’t back within 4 hours then he could come and rescue me.

Oh my hero! *swoons*

I may have been ‘redirected’ during my run as I hadn’t paid close enough attention to my planned route. My Pegasus pals will be shocked to hear this as I don’t regularly get lost on runs and have to use Google maps to find my way back to the route… nope, never done that before. Ok, maybe I have a few times but that’s what happens when I’m allowed out on my own!

Probably, yes.

It took me 2 hours, 34 minutes and 17 seconds to run 13.1 miles. I went through half a bottle of water, 2 gel packs and 44 songs on my iPod. At times I felt like I was flying and other times I felt like this...

Actually he's probably going faster!

I arrived at my boyfriend’s house and fell on the lounge floor, I let him peel my runners and socks off my feet – my body started aching as soon as I stopped running, it was agony and bliss at the same time. He then gave me my protein shake and a banana which I drank/ate while inspecting my latest blister… hello new friend, so pleased to meet you!

I really enjoyed the run (afterwards obviously!) and it took a while for it to sink in that I'd just run 13.1 miles. I had run 13.1 miles... for fun!

During my 13.1 miles of 'fun' I had a lot of time to think. I also have a mantra that I play on repeat in my head when the run gets really tough "will this pain ever stop, will this run ever end, I don’t want to do this anymore, this sucks, I want cake!" "I can do this, I am strong, I can do this!" Simple yet effective. I have grown up saying "I can't" or finding excusing that prevent me having to try as I was too afraid to fail. Becoming a runner has taught me so much about myself

• My mind is more powerful than I give it credit for... just need to apply the same to cake
• My body is strong and it's only getting stronger
• Failing isn't a bad thing, in fact it's a good thing as I learn from it and move on
• Never say never – I never thought I’d run ½ mile let alone 13.1 miles!

So with this in mind I have decided to stop calories counting and stressing about my weight so much, I have removed my weighing scales from the bathroom. I'm going to be aware of what I eat but not be so obsessed. My body is never going to be perfect. It will always have its not-so-toned bits and the white scars from stretch marks but it carried me through 13.1 miles last weekend so it's fucking strong and amazing. 

My body should be treated the way it deserves to be treated. It's never let me down and it keeps going on and on even when my brain is telling it to stop. It just doesn't listen. So now I'm going to start listening to my body. I'm going to feed it a healthy and balanced diet (most of the time anyway) and I'm going to exercise it even when I can't be bothered and would rather hold the sofa down instead. More importantly I'm going to reward it with treats and cake and not punish it and myself for indulging now and again. I'm sick of the guilt I feel every time I eat something 'naughty'. It's not naughty, its a reward and we both deserve it!

Top tip!!

Self-Esteem Is A B*tch!

My good old friend Ms Low Self-Esteem tried to pay me a visit recently but I have slammed the door in her face and am refusing to let her in and ruin all my hard work.

It all started when I felt sluggish, tired and emotionally a bit unhappy recently so I took myself off to the Doctor to get my blood tested just in case it was linked to thyroid, diabetes, lack of vitamin B or something like that. The Doctor ticked about 12 boxes on the paperwork that I had to take to the blood-stealing-man AKA the Phlebotomist (that word really makes me giggle... I'm 38 FFS!!). The results came back a week later and were all clear. YAY, there's nothing medically wrong with me! But also, CRAP because I don't know what's wrong with me!

I probably should've asked Siri!

I went to work a few days later and had a chat with a colleague who is into weight lifting. He asked about my diet and what I ate in a typical day/week. His response was "so you live on cake, biscuits, fruit and veg with a bit of meat then?!" I had pretty much cut the good carbs out of my diet and I have no idea when I did that. I didn't mean to do it but somewhere along the way I had and I was suffering for it.

He recommended that I eat more potato and sweet potato (apparently oven chips are enough!) and to try and introduce things like quinoa, lentils, cous cous etc to my diet. I also said I'd actually eat breakfast instead of just a banana, apparently breakfast is the most important meal of the day... who knew?!!

Mmmmmmm carbs!

My running had reduced from 4 times a week to 2-3 times since I'd been back working full-time so I knew I needed to sort that out. I have recently joined Pegasus running club and am running with them every Wednesday night plus we do Parkrun on a Saturday and other runs over the weekend.

I told some of the ladies at work about my new healthier eating and exercising more plan and they are joining in with me. Summer is fast approaching and we want to be bikini ready!

I know how you feel cutie-pie!

I decided to start my new healthy eating plan after Easter as I wanted to eat the junk food in my house to make way for my new healthier food. This mission was accomplished and I slipped into a chocolate coma.

Chocolate fuelled zombie

When Easter had been and gone and it was time to get up and go to work, I decided to weighed myself to see what damage I had done. I was shocked... stunned... gobsmacked... I had put on 7lbs in just over 2 months. 7LBS!! That's half a stone!

Exactly!

I spent the next 2 hours kicking myself and giving myself a right b*llocking. I could feel my old insecurities creeping back in, suddenly putting on 7lbs felt as though I had put on 7 stone and my confidence starting slipping away. Luckily I have a Besty who is completely honest with me and told me to get a grip, it's 7lbs which I will easily drop now I've started my healthy eating and exercising more programme.

Now I do agree with Besty but it's not as easy as that where my brain is concerned. I felt anxious and I felt fat. Now before you shout at me, I know I'm not fat but that number on the weighing scales still controls me. It can make me feel amazing or awful within a few seconds.

(Not my feet!)

My first battle was trying not to stuff my face with chocolate and biscuits to get that 'I feel great really' high

I managed to get through the day without eating junk and I felt good. I felt really good! I felt so good that I agreed to do a 10K run with my running club the following night and pair up with one of the girls. This good feeling wore off quickly and I started to stress myself out worrying that I couldn't do the run or that I would slow my running buddy down. I nearly backed out but reminded myself that I have run 10K numerous times and running with someone quicker than me is how I'll improve. I was going to be fine and I was going to feel great afterwards! Hmmmmmm... maybe.

Well I did the run and it was great. We did 10K and got back to the clubhouse before it was dark. We felt amazing... knackered but amazing!

Woooooo hooooooooooo!

I know the success of my healthy eating and exercising plan is to keep an eye on my weight so I decided to weigh myself once a week (on a Friday morning) just to keep myself in check. I stepped on the scales not expecting to see much of a change and was gobsmacked that I'd lost 3lbs in 3 days! 3lbs! That's nearly 1/4 stone! Suddenly my confidence soared and I felt that witch called Ms Low Self-Esteem get a bit further back into her box!

#PushingBackHarder

Exercise and Healthy Eating... Who Knew??!!

I've previously mentioned how I spent about 12 years of my life yo-yo dieting and how miserable it made me.  At the age of 27 I finally learnt what I needed to do to keep the weight off... eat healthily and exercise!  Whodafunkit??!!

This still didn't mean that life managing my weight was easy. Hell no! I lived with a man who didn't care about putting on weight and constantly brought home 'naughty' food. I could've said no, I could've let him eat it all but I didn't.

*dribbles*

I put on about a stone within the first few years of our relationship and then decided that I had to go back to watching what I ate. I turned to calorie counting and it made me miserable, moody and I was starving most of the time. It turns out that the things I like to eat are high in calories. I wasn't exercising either so that didn't help. Finally I lost the weight!

Wooooooo hooooooo!

The weight stayed off and became a lot easier to manage once I ended my marriage and moved into my own house. I started running and yoga and weighing myself every Friday morning just to keep an eye on it. I think I've finally cracked it! My body shape is improving and I'm getting stronger every week... I feel great and can actually look in the mirror now without feeling physically sick.

I really NEED this t-shirt!

I was watching the movie Eat Pray Love a few months ago and Julia Roberts' character said a couple of things while talking to a new friend in Italy that really hit home.  They were sat eating pizza and the friend declined to eat any more, Julia says to the friend:

"I’m sick of spending my time analysing how many calories I have eaten just so I know how much self loathing I need to take into the shower with me!"

and then adds:

"Has a man ever asked me to leave when I’ve taken my clothes off?  No!  That's because he doesn't care, he's got a naked girl in front of him so he thinks he's won the lottery."

Mmmmmmmm pizza!

I keep these in mind and it makes me happy to know that I'm not a slave to a diet any more as long as I keep up the exercise and healthy-ish eating.

Every now and then I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and I'm surprised at my reflection. In my head I'm still the girl who is 3 & 1/2 stone overweight so it always gives me a great feeling of achievement when I remember how far I've come. One day I will get used to it and I hope that I keep the weight off permanently *crosses fingers*

#PushingBackHarder

Run Run Run!

Last month I signed up for next years Cardiff Half Marathon. I just decided that I wanted to do it so registered, paid my £££ and now there's no backing out.  On 4th October 2015 I shall be running 13.1 miles and trying to raise a good bit of money for a dog charity.

This looks like fun! *gulps*

October is a long way off so in the meantime I am doing the Santa Dash on 7th December with my Besty. It's a 5k run/walk and you dress up as Santa or something Christmassy... I can't wait!!

I'd definitely sit on his knee!

Then on 31st May 2015 I am doing the Women's Running 10K Series 2015 in Bute Park, Cardiff.

Ooooooo shiny!

I am hoping to do some more races in between so will update the list on the right hand side of the blog as and when I sign up!

#PushingBackHarder

My Low Self-Esteem & How I'm Learning To Fight It

Sorry in advance for this blog being a bit wordy!

For a few weeks now I have been in contact with a counsellor who is helping me get to the root cause of my low self-esteem and lack of self-worth.

It all seems to have started in primary school when I realised that I was one of the few overweight kids.  I must've been about 10 years old when I noticed that I couldn't fit into the same clothes as my friends. I was tall for my age and quite a few pounds too heavy so was in adult sized clothes before I should've been. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't obese and never have been but my weight was noticeably higher.

When I left the safety of my primary school and moved onto high school (secondary school as we called it) I was bullied by the 'cool kids' in my year. I was heartbroken. I so desperately wanted to be accepted by them but all they did was make me feel worthless due to my height and weight.

A few years later, when I was about 15, I lost a lot of the weight but the bullying didn't stop. Instead it shifted onto other things like my hair, my clothes or anything else they could think of really and that caused me a lot of confusion. I had lost weight and my peers had grown so why were they still picking on me?! I felt as though I must've been a bad person or not worthy of their kindness. To this day I don't understand it and I will never know so just need to accept that they had their reasons and they were probably nothing to do with me.

A big regret for me is that I was so focused on the bullies and wanting their approval that I didn't appreciate the good friends I had around me. I wish I could tell them how their support got me through each day and how relieved I am that the bullies didn't put them through the same thing - unfortunately we lost contact pretty much as soon as we left high school. I think I thought that if I broke all ties with my past then the effects of the bullying would be broken too. I was so wrong!

My weight fluctuated by about 3 stone throughout my teens and into my late 20s. It was only then that I realised I had to change my relationship with food otherwise I was never going to keep the weight off. I have kept the weight off for 10 years now and am probably in the best shape of my life (so far!) but still my self-esteem takes a nose dive very easily and I struggle to get it back. It's never been high and I've never felt confident about myself or accepted myself for who I am.

One of the first exercises my counsellor asked me to do was to write a letter to my 12 year old self telling her/me about the things I've learnt over the years that could have made a difference if I'd known them at that age. I put off doing it with lame excuses until I had to get it done or face having to admit to my counsellor that I hadn't done it!

So the day before my counselling session I sat down with a cup of tea and my notebook. I wrote about 6 pages of A5, I just scribbled anything that came into my head and when I finished I re-read it. I couldn't believe how sad it made me feel that I didn’t have someone who knew this stuff around to guide me and maybe set me on a different path.

One thing this exercise has made me realise is that I’d like to work with young girls who struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, maybe as a mentor or something to help them through a vital stage of their life. I have no idea how to go about this but realising that I want to do it is a start.

I have also thought about becoming a counsellor. I obviously have to sort my own issues out first but at least it’s something to work towards. One thing these self-esteem gurus all say is that you need to feel connected to the world, feel like you make a difference whether it’s through the type of job you do, voluntary work or some other way. Apparently just knowing that what you are doing is making someone else’s life easier/better is a great self-worth booster.

My counsellor also recommended a book to me called Person-Centred Counselling in Action by Dave Mearns and Brian Thorne as there is a chapter about the counsellors use of self (self-acceptance). In that chapter it recommends that you ask yourself these 3 questions to check how you’re doing with self-love and self-acceptance on a regular basis:

1. What gives me most joy these days?
2. When do I experience the most anxiety?
3. What am I missing most?

I grabbed my notebook and scribbled down some answers before I had time to think too much about the answers (I have a habit of over thinking everything!). I found it helpful to focus the craziness in my head and to prioritise what I want/need to do in my life to feel balanced again. I'm going to do the exercise on a regular basis to keep a check on my progress and to make sure I'm on the right path to happiness.

As well as speaking to my counsellor, I have also taken up running to help improve my confidence and self-esteem. I find running helps relieve stress as well as releasing those awesome endorphins aka the happy hormones. I'm trying to eat healthier as well, don't get me wrong I still indulge in lovely naughty food but am trying to keep it under control. Running is changing the shape of my body and toning me up which is helping me to like my physical appearance for the first time in my life.

I'm still very early in the recovery of my self-esteem but I see a light ahead of me now and know I'm on the right road. It's going to take a lot of hard work and it will be very challenging to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone but it has to be done!

#PushingBackHarder

Why I Started Running

I decided to start running as I wanted to do some form of exercise that I could do without having to be restricted to a specific class or go to the gym. I was also broke so needed something free.

My first run was hard but awesome at the same time. The only problem was that I had a lot of pain in my knees and a friend said it was probably because I was wearing trainers that were over 10 years old and well worn. I needed new running shoes so I went to Moti in Cardiff to be fitted properly using their gait analysis system thingy. This involved trying on running shoes and running on their treadmill while they filmed my legs to make sure the shoes supported me correctly.  

I don't spend this much time trying on heels!

After trying on 1 or 2 pairs, these bad boys were the winners!

Apparently I have skinny feet!

I started using a fantastic app called Couch to 5K on my iPhone. It gets you from walking to running 5K within 8 weeks and I never thought I would achieve it. I assumed it would be another thing that I started and gave up because it was too hard or didn't make me happy. I've been running for about 3-4 months now and really enjoy it!

I wish I looked this good running!

It was summer time when I started running so getting up and going for a run before work at 6am was a pleasure but now it's dark and mostly wet as I live in Wales. I kept making excuses to miss it and in the end I have done something that I said I would never do again... I have joined a gym. Well at £17.95pm with no contract and no joining fee, I couldn't really say no.

Go #TeamDW

I'm actually really enjoying my treadmill sessions! I know! I think I must be going crazy. As a new member I get a free session with a personal trainer and have been contacted by one offering to set up a date to do it. So far I haven't replied. I'm pretty sure it's all linked to the lack of self-esteem but I keep avoiding replying to him. "I'll do it tomorrow" is what I keep telling myself.

I know the PT session would be really beneficial. I will be able to pick his brain on how to train for races and what strength workouts I need to focus on etc but something in my head is stopping me.  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow...

#PushingBackHarder

Well hello there!

I decided to start a blog to share my struggles and triumphs in life. I have low self-esteem and this plays a massive role in every part of my life, from figuring out what to wear in the morning to deciding where to live and whether to change my career or not. Sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I want to just run away. I'm hoping that this blog will be therapeutic and maybe even a bit entertaining.

So here's a little bit about me, I won't bore you with too much info.

I'm mid-late 30s (clinging onto that 'mid' bit for dear life!), divorced and I have a dog called Winston who is my everything.

Find him on Twitter @winstonswoofs - he's very funny!

I love to run, hike and do yoga - I have only been doing properly these for about 3 months, the other times I just kinda dabbled.  So far I'm still in the 'but it hurts' phase of running due to injury, a cold and rock bottom confidence.

I also like baking cakes... and eating cakes... hence the running!

I was overweight and bullied at school, my late teens and most of my 20s were spent yo-yo dieting and feeling like a failure and I've never really accepted or loved myself.  My self-esteem is at about 25% right now but I am very good at hiding it so people think I'm a

confident person.

I am finally at the weight I've always wanted to be but it hasn't made me happy like I thought it would. I'm very good at thinking 'when I've done..., then I'll be happy' but life isn't like that. The running is helping to tone me up a bit but as we all know, once the skin is stretched it's very hard to fix it so that kicks my self-esteem in the nuts every time I allow myself to dwell on it.

My goal is to believe this about myself:

My Besty is my inspiration and also my biggest cheerleader, for some reason she thinks I'm already awesome... you know who you are chick-a-dee!

Right now I'm in a holiday cottage in the Brecon Beacons with nobody except my dog.
This is my first every holiday on my own without another person to keep me company, entertain me or do the things that I'm too scared to do.  I am doing it all by myself and feeling a little bit proud.

#PushingBackHarder

Follow my blog with Bloglovin