Self-Esteem Is A B*tch!

My good old friend Ms Low Self-Esteem tried to pay me a visit recently but I have slammed the door in her face and am refusing to let her in and ruin all my hard work.

It all started when I felt sluggish, tired and emotionally a bit unhappy recently so I took myself off to the Doctor to get my blood tested just in case it was linked to thyroid, diabetes, lack of vitamin B or something like that. The Doctor ticked about 12 boxes on the paperwork that I had to take to the blood-stealing-man AKA the Phlebotomist (that word really makes me giggle... I'm 38 FFS!!). The results came back a week later and were all clear. YAY, there's nothing medically wrong with me! But also, CRAP because I don't know what's wrong with me!

I probably should've asked Siri!

I went to work a few days later and had a chat with a colleague who is into weight lifting. He asked about my diet and what I ate in a typical day/week. His response was "so you live on cake, biscuits, fruit and veg with a bit of meat then?!" I had pretty much cut the good carbs out of my diet and I have no idea when I did that. I didn't mean to do it but somewhere along the way I had and I was suffering for it.

He recommended that I eat more potato and sweet potato (apparently oven chips are enough!) and to try and introduce things like quinoa, lentils, cous cous etc to my diet. I also said I'd actually eat breakfast instead of just a banana, apparently breakfast is the most important meal of the day... who knew?!!

Mmmmmmm carbs!

My running had reduced from 4 times a week to 2-3 times since I'd been back working full-time so I knew I needed to sort that out. I have recently joined Pegasus running club and am running with them every Wednesday night plus we do Parkrun on a Saturday and other runs over the weekend.

I told some of the ladies at work about my new healthier eating and exercising more plan and they are joining in with me. Summer is fast approaching and we want to be bikini ready!

I know how you feel cutie-pie!

I decided to start my new healthy eating plan after Easter as I wanted to eat the junk food in my house to make way for my new healthier food. This mission was accomplished and I slipped into a chocolate coma.

Chocolate fuelled zombie

When Easter had been and gone and it was time to get up and go to work, I decided to weighed myself to see what damage I had done. I was shocked... stunned... gobsmacked... I had put on 7lbs in just over 2 months. 7LBS!! That's half a stone!

Exactly!

I spent the next 2 hours kicking myself and giving myself a right b*llocking. I could feel my old insecurities creeping back in, suddenly putting on 7lbs felt as though I had put on 7 stone and my confidence starting slipping away. Luckily I have a Besty who is completely honest with me and told me to get a grip, it's 7lbs which I will easily drop now I've started my healthy eating and exercising more programme.

Now I do agree with Besty but it's not as easy as that where my brain is concerned. I felt anxious and I felt fat. Now before you shout at me, I know I'm not fat but that number on the weighing scales still controls me. It can make me feel amazing or awful within a few seconds.

(Not my feet!)

My first battle was trying not to stuff my face with chocolate and biscuits to get that 'I feel great really' high

I managed to get through the day without eating junk and I felt good. I felt really good! I felt so good that I agreed to do a 10K run with my running club the following night and pair up with one of the girls. This good feeling wore off quickly and I started to stress myself out worrying that I couldn't do the run or that I would slow my running buddy down. I nearly backed out but reminded myself that I have run 10K numerous times and running with someone quicker than me is how I'll improve. I was going to be fine and I was going to feel great afterwards! Hmmmmmm... maybe.

Well I did the run and it was great. We did 10K and got back to the clubhouse before it was dark. We felt amazing... knackered but amazing!

Woooooo hooooooooooo!

I know the success of my healthy eating and exercising plan is to keep an eye on my weight so I decided to weigh myself once a week (on a Friday morning) just to keep myself in check. I stepped on the scales not expecting to see much of a change and was gobsmacked that I'd lost 3lbs in 3 days! 3lbs! That's nearly 1/4 stone! Suddenly my confidence soared and I felt that witch called Ms Low Self-Esteem get a bit further back into her box!

#PushingBackHarder

Exercise and Healthy Eating... Who Knew??!!

I've previously mentioned how I spent about 12 years of my life yo-yo dieting and how miserable it made me.  At the age of 27 I finally learnt what I needed to do to keep the weight off... eat healthily and exercise!  Whodafunkit??!!

This still didn't mean that life managing my weight was easy. Hell no! I lived with a man who didn't care about putting on weight and constantly brought home 'naughty' food. I could've said no, I could've let him eat it all but I didn't.

*dribbles*

I put on about a stone within the first few years of our relationship and then decided that I had to go back to watching what I ate. I turned to calorie counting and it made me miserable, moody and I was starving most of the time. It turns out that the things I like to eat are high in calories. I wasn't exercising either so that didn't help. Finally I lost the weight!

Wooooooo hooooooo!

The weight stayed off and became a lot easier to manage once I ended my marriage and moved into my own house. I started running and yoga and weighing myself every Friday morning just to keep an eye on it. I think I've finally cracked it! My body shape is improving and I'm getting stronger every week... I feel great and can actually look in the mirror now without feeling physically sick.

I really NEED this t-shirt!

I was watching the movie Eat Pray Love a few months ago and Julia Roberts' character said a couple of things while talking to a new friend in Italy that really hit home.  They were sat eating pizza and the friend declined to eat any more, Julia says to the friend:

"I’m sick of spending my time analysing how many calories I have eaten just so I know how much self loathing I need to take into the shower with me!"

and then adds:

"Has a man ever asked me to leave when I’ve taken my clothes off?  No!  That's because he doesn't care, he's got a naked girl in front of him so he thinks he's won the lottery."

Mmmmmmmm pizza!

I keep these in mind and it makes me happy to know that I'm not a slave to a diet any more as long as I keep up the exercise and healthy-ish eating.

Every now and then I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and I'm surprised at my reflection. In my head I'm still the girl who is 3 & 1/2 stone overweight so it always gives me a great feeling of achievement when I remember how far I've come. One day I will get used to it and I hope that I keep the weight off permanently *crosses fingers*

#PushingBackHarder