My Low Self-Esteem & How I'm Learning To Fight It

Sorry in advance for this blog being a bit wordy!

For a few weeks now I have been in contact with a counsellor who is helping me get to the root cause of my low self-esteem and lack of self-worth.

It all seems to have started in primary school when I realised that I was one of the few overweight kids.  I must've been about 10 years old when I noticed that I couldn't fit into the same clothes as my friends. I was tall for my age and quite a few pounds too heavy so was in adult sized clothes before I should've been. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't obese and never have been but my weight was noticeably higher.

When I left the safety of my primary school and moved onto high school (secondary school as we called it) I was bullied by the 'cool kids' in my year. I was heartbroken. I so desperately wanted to be accepted by them but all they did was make me feel worthless due to my height and weight.

A few years later, when I was about 15, I lost a lot of the weight but the bullying didn't stop. Instead it shifted onto other things like my hair, my clothes or anything else they could think of really and that caused me a lot of confusion. I had lost weight and my peers had grown so why were they still picking on me?! I felt as though I must've been a bad person or not worthy of their kindness. To this day I don't understand it and I will never know so just need to accept that they had their reasons and they were probably nothing to do with me.

A big regret for me is that I was so focused on the bullies and wanting their approval that I didn't appreciate the good friends I had around me. I wish I could tell them how their support got me through each day and how relieved I am that the bullies didn't put them through the same thing - unfortunately we lost contact pretty much as soon as we left high school. I think I thought that if I broke all ties with my past then the effects of the bullying would be broken too. I was so wrong!

My weight fluctuated by about 3 stone throughout my teens and into my late 20s. It was only then that I realised I had to change my relationship with food otherwise I was never going to keep the weight off. I have kept the weight off for 10 years now and am probably in the best shape of my life (so far!) but still my self-esteem takes a nose dive very easily and I struggle to get it back. It's never been high and I've never felt confident about myself or accepted myself for who I am.

One of the first exercises my counsellor asked me to do was to write a letter to my 12 year old self telling her/me about the things I've learnt over the years that could have made a difference if I'd known them at that age. I put off doing it with lame excuses until I had to get it done or face having to admit to my counsellor that I hadn't done it!

So the day before my counselling session I sat down with a cup of tea and my notebook. I wrote about 6 pages of A5, I just scribbled anything that came into my head and when I finished I re-read it. I couldn't believe how sad it made me feel that I didn’t have someone who knew this stuff around to guide me and maybe set me on a different path.

One thing this exercise has made me realise is that I’d like to work with young girls who struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, maybe as a mentor or something to help them through a vital stage of their life. I have no idea how to go about this but realising that I want to do it is a start.

I have also thought about becoming a counsellor. I obviously have to sort my own issues out first but at least it’s something to work towards. One thing these self-esteem gurus all say is that you need to feel connected to the world, feel like you make a difference whether it’s through the type of job you do, voluntary work or some other way. Apparently just knowing that what you are doing is making someone else’s life easier/better is a great self-worth booster.

My counsellor also recommended a book to me called Person-Centred Counselling in Action by Dave Mearns and Brian Thorne as there is a chapter about the counsellors use of self (self-acceptance). In that chapter it recommends that you ask yourself these 3 questions to check how you’re doing with self-love and self-acceptance on a regular basis:

1. What gives me most joy these days?
2. When do I experience the most anxiety?
3. What am I missing most?

I grabbed my notebook and scribbled down some answers before I had time to think too much about the answers (I have a habit of over thinking everything!). I found it helpful to focus the craziness in my head and to prioritise what I want/need to do in my life to feel balanced again. I'm going to do the exercise on a regular basis to keep a check on my progress and to make sure I'm on the right path to happiness.

As well as speaking to my counsellor, I have also taken up running to help improve my confidence and self-esteem. I find running helps relieve stress as well as releasing those awesome endorphins aka the happy hormones. I'm trying to eat healthier as well, don't get me wrong I still indulge in lovely naughty food but am trying to keep it under control. Running is changing the shape of my body and toning me up which is helping me to like my physical appearance for the first time in my life.

I'm still very early in the recovery of my self-esteem but I see a light ahead of me now and know I'm on the right road. It's going to take a lot of hard work and it will be very challenging to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone but it has to be done!

#PushingBackHarder